Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists—while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.

Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.

Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!